The day I chose to take the red pill.
Spring 2020. Kew gardens. I gave a wish to the universe: “I want to find myself. I want to find my one true self.” Walking with a dear friend, mentor & healer. He turns at me and said “You gave your wish to the universe, now let the universe respond to you”. “When?” “In divine timing, it will”. “How?” “It will show you the way and bring you the tools”. What kind of gibberish was that? “I wanna try mushrooms” “The medicine will call you. You gave your wish to the universe…” ffs, not again.
I didn’t understand what all of that meant at the time. Why did he call mushrooms medicine? What does divine timing mean? When is that supposed to happen? Only now I realise what that truly meant. It is only looking backwards that you can connect the dots. Dots connected. Signal intercepted. Now, I know. Took me a couple of years, but I got there. Finally.
Back then, all I could do was wait. And so, I waited. When will the universe respond? When will the medicine call? I didn’t know that both my wishes where interlinked. No dots then. Only wishes. Prayers. Thoughts. Impatience. Whirlwind of weird and bizarre events happening to me. Havn’t seen nothing yet. Now looking back, he was right. I wasn’t ready then. But one day, about a year later, I finally was. The medicine finally called. The universe finally granted me my wishes.
That’s how the story of awakening really begun. Mushrooms. 02:02. Angels. Magic. Not quite. Anchored. Put some flute in. Air. Breathe in. Relax. Sit back. The most magical rollercoaster of your life is about to take you on the most magical adventure yet. Wow. I am still on it. That high lasted for quite a while. I am still high. What a ride it’s been.
So, mushrooms right? The so-called medicine. 2021. One day it just magically came together. Yes, I love magic. I think life is magical, but that story is for another day. One day, it magically came together. Mushrooms, healer, friends, alter, candles, crystals, flowers, incense, fruits & chocolate. Healing ceremony. First, we had to set our intentions. Mine, I knew for about a year then. I wanna find myself, my one true self. I wanna find her, the one that is hidden underneath the laughter, the silliness, the stubbornness, the love & the anger. I wanna find the one that is hidden under this shell that she created to protect herself from the big bad world. I wanna find the one that I can call home. Maya. I knew she was there somewhere waiting for me to come get her. Waiting for me to come tell her that it was okay to come out, that it was okay to come live as herself fully, authentically, unapologetically. She was waiting for me to come tell her that this big bad world isn’t as bad when you face it with a big smile and an untethered soul. She was waiting for me to free her, to free us, to free myself.
And so, I did. That mushroom trip was quite something. First, it was the purging. Quite unusual reaction, but you have to take it as it comes. You have to surrender yourself fully to the medicine and let it work its magic. Magic, yes, again. And so, I purged. I purged my soul out that day. Ancient Mayan music playing in the background as I was looking for Maya. Coincidence? Not so much. Purging is a tradition from the amazon, it is to heal the soul, to release all negative energy, to make room for the magic. And that day the Mayan music triggered something in my soul. I should probably go to the amazon one day. Bucket list.
After the purging, came the birth. It was the birth of myself. I could see myself peel the layers. One after the other. She’s there, I could see her. The process went for what it seemed was forever. I had to fight with my mind, with my ego to let my soul fully take over. It was about letting go. It was all about surrendering. To myself. Scary at first. What if I never come back? “Let go, surrender, you can’t get lost in yourself. This is still reality. Go find her”. It was like giving birth. Giving birth to myself. The layers were quickly peeling away. Until I saw her. It was like a flower, a lotus flower. Closed at first. But slowly began to open as I approached her. And, that’s when I saw her. Sitting there. Scared. All curled up. Not wanting to come out. “Leave me alone” she said. “This world is horrible. They will hurt me again. They wanna take me away, away from you, away from home.” “They won’t.” “How can you be so sure?” — that dialogue was quite something. How do you convince yourself of letting go of a deeply anchored belief? Of healing what seemed to be a deeply anchored trauma? Thankfully I had a wise person with me who could guide me through the process. Taking mushrooms for fun is something but if you intend to do it as a healing process, you should definitely have an experienced healer by your side because you never know what can come out of it.
After that, was a whirlwind of emotions. The beauty of life. The magic of living. I have never felt such deep & strong feelings ever in my entire life. I couldn’t even describe it. It was pure bliss. Ecstasy. Better than the pills. “Am I in love?” “Yes, you are. You are in love with yourself.” “How can it be? Isn’t love supposed to be shared with someone?” “All the love you feel is yours to begin with. You are the one who chooses to share it with someone. Otherwise, it is, has always been and will always be yours. Cherish that love forever.” That feeling of love was quite something. A love so deep. So eternal. So pure, raw, explosive, infinite, transcending. Interstellar. It felt like an illusion. My mind couldn’t grasp it as being part of this reality. It was beyond anything I have ever felt, lived, or even dreamed to feel in my entire life. It was out of this world. It was coming out of my soul. Maya. 11:22. That love was mine. I couldn’t believe it, but it was.
In that moment, I realised the power we truly hold within us. The power of our souls. The power of love. We are made of love. The universe is made of love. Life is nothing but love. We are nothing but love. The world coerces us into thinking otherwise. But in that moment love truly transcended time & space. Interstellar. Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time & space.
I felt at one. At one with myself, with the universe. I was the flowers and the trees outside. I I was the wind and the birds singing around us. I was the ocean, the waves and the clouds. In that moment everything collapsed into one. I was aligned. Purely. Magically. I could feel everything and nothing at once. I have never felt so light in my entire life and yet I was carrying in me the entire universe within me. I was the universe. I am the universe itself. I am made of stars. The sun is my heart and the moon is my soul. I felt God within me. It’s in that moment that I realised; we are God, we are the universe.
Separation is an illusion. An illusion created by the mind, by the ego to force us to live in pain and torture ourselves throughout this life. But life is not made to be lived in pain. There is no hell. There is no heaven. We are meant to find heaven on earth and live it here, now. All is happening in this moment. Here, now. It is all in us. It is all within. We are everything we can ever wish for. We are spiritual beings experiencing life in a human body. We are metaphysical beings. We are made of energy. We are never born, and we never die. We just are. Our energy is timeless, boundless, infinite and eternal. And, with that realisation, I was free. I freed myself. I finally found her and I finally freed her. Untethered.
At that moment, nothing else mattered. And until now, nothing else matters and nothing else ever will. Welcome home, Maya.
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